Repeating Memory
by Ryoko Xero
Summary: Femslash (Barbara-Carolyn, Barbara-Dinah-ish); Sometimes history repeats itself, but you find yourself on the other end... Angsty as hell, but something Iam actually proud of.. it only took me like, 2 years to finish.
1. Chapter One

Repeating Memory  
_Summary: History repeats itself, no matter how hard you try to change, only this time, you find yourself on the other end… _

_Character/Pairing: Barbara/Carolyn, Barbara/Dinah  
Feedback: Have I mentioned that I live off it?? !!  
Disclaimer: The Birds aren't mine, so please don't sue. I promise to return them unharmed... okay, they may have a few bruises, but those fade in a few days…_

**Prologue**

The first time Barbara Gordon had seen Batman she had been inspired. What began as practical joke to be played on her Father, though, soon turned into her chosen lifestyle. Bruce Wayne had inspired her transformation into Batgirl, and for that she would be eternally grateful. However, love him as she did, he never inspired anything more than admiration. The first time Batgirl saw Black Canary, she saw her future.

Perched atop a gargoyle near the pinnacle of Wayne Tower, overlooking the busy avenue below, Canary had aroused a deep sense of awe in the young redhead. Beautiful, poised, confident; in Black Canary Barbara saw all that she could—and would—become, and everything she ever wanted. The first time Barbara Gordon saw Carolyn Lance was the first time she fell in love.

Chapter One

The kiss was sudden and unexpected, surprising both participants with not only its occurrence, but its intensity. Heat rolled from one set of lips to the other, then back again, quickly deepening into a duel of tongues and teeth even as the older woman jerked back. It was of no use, the kisser was not going to let go, and so the recipient surrendered, letting the action wash over her, driving away all rational thought.

Finally, both women fell back onto their respective sides of the couch in a haze of hormones and confusion. What had started out as a night in, complete with cheesy movies and bags of microwave popcorn, had turned into something much more complicated. After a time, Barbara found her voice.

"D-Dinah, I - why - what…'' Dinah just looked up at her mentor with large, terrified eyes, almost more surprised that she had kissed the older woman than Barbara was at being kissed. She couldn't believe she had done it; couldn't believe that she had dared! Even though she had thought about it--dreamt about it-- since the first time she had woken up to see Barbara's jade green eyes. And never mind the fact that those soft, full lips should always be red and swollen from fiery kisses--Damn it! This wasn't right!

"Barbara, I'm - I am SO sorry. I don't know - I mean - I'm gonna go now!" She squeaked, jumping up from her seat and scurrying away, almost knocking Helena over as the brunette came into the room.

"Whoa kid, where's the fire?" she teased, grabbing hold of the blonde's arm as she rushed by. Dinah didn't look at her, only blushed fire engine red and sputtered a few apologies, before breaking free and practically flying into her room, slamming the door behind her. There was a click a few seconds later that signified it was locked.

"Oh-kay, I guess she doesn't feel like watching movies anymore." Helena shook her head, chalking it up to teen mood-swings. With a shrug, she made her way to the couch, plopping down close to Barbara and patting her on the knee. She figured that even though she couldn't feel it, the sentiment behind the gesture wasn't lost on the older woman. She was disappointed when Barbara didn't react.

"Barbara?" Helena queried, unsure if the redhead had just spaced out, or if she had finally had that meltdown that the brunette was always warning her about. "Earth to Barbara…" she tried again, waving a hand in front of the preoccupied woman's face. "Okay, now I'm beginning to worry," she muttered to herself, moving to kneel in front of her friend. "Are you all right?"

The older woman jolted back to reality at the touch of Helena's hand to her own. "Helena?" she asked, a bit confused.

"Ye-ah," the younger woman replied, drawing out the word, as she frowned in concern. "I repeat, are you okay?"

"She kissed me.'' Barbara said by way of reply, totally throwing Helena off.

"What? Who kissed you?" the younger woman asked, totally confused.

"Dinah, she kissed me," the older woman replied, pallor fading, and quickly replaced by a deep flush.

"Hold on. She kissed you, you mean, like a sisterly kiss on the cheek?" Helena asked, shaking her head, but still not managing to understand. What was the big deal?

"She. Kissed. Me." Barbara replied; a strong emphasis on each word, and a vaguely disturbed tone in her voice. She absently rubbed her still tingling lips. "Oh God, she kissed me."


	2. Chapter Two

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Repeating Memory

Chapter Two

The kiss was sudden and unexpected, surprising both participants with not only its occurrence, but its intensity. Heat rolled from one set of lips to the other, then back again, quickly deepening into a duel of tongues and teeth even as the older woman jerked back. It was of no use, the kisser was not going to let go, and so the recipient surrendered, and let the action wash over her, driving away all rational thought. Barbara was in heaven.

After what seemed like an eternity, the two parted, the redhead's eyes closed tight as she savored the moment. "What the hell are you doing?" a shrill, panicky voice cut through Barbara's blissful haze. Jade eyes snapped open and nervously gazed into impossibly wide baby blue ones. Her mind froze. 'Shit'

The seconds tickled away, but neither woman moved. Barbara opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to say something--anything--to explain why she had done what she had. She only succeeded in looking like a gasping fish. Finally, she gave up, and went back to just staring at the woman standing in front of her.

'Shit,' her mind supplied again, and she frowned, unable to think of how to use that as an excuse. 'Useless gray matter,' she thought, already planning to exchange it for a newer, more state-of-the-art model of chrome-plated brain tissue. Barbara 2000. Maybe she would work better; be able to find some way out of the current situation.

But, no, Barbara 2000 wouldn't be in this mess. She wouldn't have just up and kissed her colleague and friend without explanation or preamble. Barbara 2000 would have made her intentions clear. And if she were to meet with resistance, she would have promptly dispelled it with the perfect romantic seduction, all candles, chocolates, and back rubs.

No, Barbara 2000 would not have this kind of trouble, she was smooth and confident. She would certainly never sit around looking like a flounder out of water. She was thinking in circles. Never good, in her opinion; it only led to more confusion when one finally did open their mouth to say something. "Stupid useless gray matter." Yup, confusion, if the look on Carolyn's face was any indication.

After a few more moments of silence, sure that Barbara wasn't going to say anything else, either to explain her actions or random comment, Carolyn cleared her throat and spoke. "Okay, that was… I don't know what that was…"

"Good?" Barbara offered, immediately cursing her mouth for emoting without consulting her first, as a fiery glare was sent her way. "Right, sorry." she muttered, blushing the color of her hair.

Suddenly realizing her close proximity to her junior, Carolyn took two steps back, shaking her head as she did, as if to clear it. "I don't know what you were thinking," she began again, trying to gain control of the situation, as she saw the desire that pierced through Barbara's embarrassment. "But, this can't happen." The blonde winced as she saw the glint turn sharp.

"Can't? Why? Or, is it that you just won't let it happen."

"Won't, can't, doesn't matter. The point is, it's not." She turned away, unwilling, or maybe unable, to look at the frustrated hurt on her friend's face. "I'm sorry." And, in a flash, she was gone.

"It matters to me," Barbara whispered into the empty room, sinking to her knees as the pain that lanced through her chest doubled her over. "It matters to me…"

With a startled cry, Barbara bolted awake, almost toppling off of the bed for the suddenness of the movement. Her chest heaved with rapid pants, lungs not seeming to be able to get enough oxygen, as her heart tried its hardest to pound its way out of her ribcage. A nightmare.

Barbara having a nightmare wasn't really news-worthy; she had been having nightmares since she was old enough to contemplate the meaning behind Mother Goose rhymes, which, for Barbara, was pretty young. She'd had them at least twice a week since she was three, and since the attack against the Clock tower, at least four a week. She had them more often than most people knew, including Helena--who sometimes held vigils outside her window. Even at Helena's stealthiest, however, Barbara still knew she was there.

It had gotten to the point where Barbara forgot the evil dreams, and all their emotional traumas, as soon as she awoke. She was immune to the common nightmare. But, this hadn't been a common nightmare.

It was a familiar night terror, one she hadn't had in months, and before that, years. This one originated long, long ago, when she still wore a cowl and cape. When she protected the city from the rooftops with swift kicks and punches, instead of keystrokes and verbal commands.

This lurid vision was filled with blonde hair, and hard blue eyes. It was the one where her heart was ripped apart by her deceased lover, harsh words cutting almost physically into her flesh. 'Me, be with you? You're nothing, just a simple girl who could never come close to being good enough.' The words still swirled in her head, and she squeezed her eyes closed to keep the tears from falling. Logically, she knew the words weren't true, weren't real; but these feelings were anything but logical.

The fears represented in that dream had been what had driven her during her years as Batgirl; she had wanted to prove the voice in her head wrong, to prove that she was worthy, at first to fight beside Black Canary, and then later, to share her bed. And when Carolyn had left Gotham, that dream had been born; it was her secret torture.

But instead of sinking into the darkness it offered, though she had contemplated it, Barbara had pushed herself harder, taking her life as Batgirl to a whole new level of intensity. In the end, she supposed it was what had made her go with Batman that night, chasing the Joker to the dockyards like a woman possessed. The dream had taken her there, and, in the end, the dream had taken her legs.

The last time she had the nightmare had been when Carolyn had come back, looking for Dinah. For eight days straight she had woken to cold sweats and a tearstained pillow, until she had decided that enough was enough. After grieving for her, she had allowed herself to feel anger at her former lover, finally working through all the abandonment issues left over from so many years before. She thought she was free.

Shaking her head, Barbara pulled herself out of her reverie. She had no illusions as to why she was having the dream now. It had changed. Carolyn was so much crueler, but, so much more justified.

'What now? You were never good enough for me, so you decide to go for Dinah? Is she some sort of consolation prize?' She had covered her ears at this point, trying not to think about what her ex-lover was saying. She knew in her heart of hearts that her feelings for Dinah had nothing to do with Carolyn, but, the fact that she had them at all made her ill.

'You're sick, you know that Barbara? She's sixteen; she's your charge. SHE'S MY DAUGHTER! You should be locked away, you pervert. You should be killed.' What really had been different about the dream this time, though, was that Barbara agreed.  
Barbara had a secret, which had been eating a hole through her conscience and soul. She had enjoyed the kiss. Not only enjoyed it, but wanted more. She had felt the desire that her ward had for her, and found herself returning the sentiment. God, she hated herself.

She didn't blame Dinah. She knew that the girl had had a hard life before she had come to New Gotham. In a sense, Barbara had rescued her, and for a hormonal teenager, gratitude quickly became lust. Add to that a healthy dose of hero worship, and well… She knew about that herself, having gone through it. She had seen the looks that the blonde had given not only herself, but Helena.

She wasn't so insensitive as to think that everything motivating Dinah was hormones. She knew that Dinah loved her, just as she loved Helena, and just as Barbara loved them both. The problem was, Dinah's feelings of love and lust were interweaving too much. She was sure that the teen would sort through it and eventually understand that this wasn't what she wanted.

But, Barbara had no excuse. She had no right to lust after a girl she herself could have mothered, albeit at a young age. She had no right to feel an ache in her chest when she thought of the blonde's smile, or a tenderness in her heart that transcended motherly empathy, whenever she saw the girl hurting. She had no right to want to take Dinah in her arms and kiss all her pain away. She was going to Hell.

Life not only sucked, but it was the major cause of migraines, the redhead decided, rubbing her throbbing temples, no closer to purging herself of her unwanted, dirty urges. She didn't know what creeped her out more, the fact that Dinah was half her age, or the fact that she was the daughter of her dead lover. She sighed. Some days she wished she didn't have to get out of bed.


	3. Chapter Three

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Chapter Three

"You did WHAT???" Dinah winced as Gabby's voice shattered the otherwise quiet of the diner.

"Could you keep it down please?" she grumbled, slouching down in her seat. Her friend gave her a wide eyed look of annoyance, but nodded and leaned closer over the table.

"Okay, sorry, but you can't drop something like this on me and not expect me to get a little excited." Gabby whispered.

"Excited?" Dinah asked, a little louder then intended. She sat up and looked around before continuing. "I tell you about my most horrifying experience to date, and you are excited?!?"

"Yeah. So, was it good?" the other blonde asked, totally ignoring the death glare sent her way.

"Well… yeah." It was said with a guilty reluctance, and Gabby had to keep herself from rolling her eyes.

They sat back as a waitress came and asked for their orders. "I'll have a stack of pancakes, bacon, and some coffee. Definitely coffee. And she'll have…"

Two sets of eyes looked at Dinah expectantly. "A bowl of Frosted Flakes please." she said absently, baby blue eyes staring at the tabletop, but not really seeing it. The waitress grunted an affirmative and set off to place the orders.

"Frosted Flakes? What are you, ten?" Gabby teased as her friend's eye refocused.

"What?" Dinah asked, blushing. "Barbara fixes me a bowl of Frosted Flakes every morning." She got an arched eyebrow, and her blushed deepened. "Right, not helping my case." She sighed, covering her face with her hands. Today was not going to be her day.

She had woken up at around 4am, shaking from some vaguely disturbing dreams that she had forgotten as soon as she had opened her eyes. Glancing at the clock, she had decided that she couldn't face Barbara in three hours. So, after a quick and stealthy shower, she thrown on some clothes and called Gabby, knowing that the other girl would be up, plagued by the demons that were otherwise known as mid-term papers. She had done her own as soon as she had gotten the assignments, but, her friend wasn't fortunate enough to have a super-genius at home to pick her brain, or kick her into action.

After some sweet talking, she was able to convince her friend to call it quits and come out to an early breakfast with her. All she had had to promise was to pay, and to tell her friend what had so obviously been bothering her. She was rethinking her wisdom in that choice now. And, that wasn't even because Barbara would totally freak if she knew her charge was out at 5am, at some no name diner in the not so great part of town. 'Oh God, Barbara.'

Nausea rolled through Dinah's stomach, making her groan and clench her teeth, praying to every god she could think of to have mercy on her. She had been avoiding actually thinking about what she had done until this point, taking a third person point of view, even when telling her friend about it. But now, finally, the reality that she would have to deal with this set upon her.

She had kissed Barbara. Not just a innocent kiss or a friendly kiss, but real, full on, mouth to mouth and tongue to tongue kiss. It had been wet and hot, and she squirmed even now at it's intensity. But, the real kicker had been that, Barbara had kissed her back.

For what seemed like an eternity, she had SHARED a kiss with the older woman, getting just as good as she was giving. In those moments, both of their shields had gone down, and they came very close to becoming one. She had felt every single emotion the other woman had. Surprise, excitement, joy, horror--all of it. That was why she knew that, though Barbara harbored feelings towards her, deeply steeped in self-hatred and self-disgust as they were, she would never let it happen.

The hopelessness of everything sent her running to the dingy bathroom, leaving behind a very confused Gabby.

When Barbara had finally made her way out into the main part of the apartment, it was to discover that Dinah was gone. For a moment, the thought that the girl had run away swirled around her already panicky mind, causing her chest to clench painfully, and her throat to squeeze closed. But, some semblance of rational thought quickly asserted itself, and she realized that the teenager didn't really have anywhere else to go.

She spent the rest of the day in a gray haze, being brought back to reality by confused students on at least three separate occasions. After the first half of her frustrating day, she was looking forward to a relaxing lunch with… Dinah. She almost slapped herself for that one. She spent the rest of the day alternately reminding herself that things were going to be different now, and wishing that she had never suggested a night in.

'Maybe,' she thought irrationally, as she drove home after waiting unsuccessfully for her charge for almost an hour, "I'm making a big deal about nothing. It was probably hormones, and she's already forgotten about it.' Her inner voice didn't even grace that with an answer.

When she finally got home, she was greeted by an empty Clock tower. For long moments, she sat in the middle of the space, fighting back tears of sadness and overwhelming stress.

She didn't know what to do to make this better. All she wanted was for everything to go back to normal, so she could have her family together, and maybe, in moments of great weakness, admire her young ward from afar. She couldn't stop the whimpers from coming. That's how Helena found her, hunched in her chair, hands trying to block the sobs that wouldn't seem to stop coming from her mouth.

Fearing that her friend might be hurt, Helena all but flew to the other woman's side, pulling at her forearms and searching her eyes. "What happened, what's wrong?" she asked, voice high and a bit frightened. She had never known Barbara to cry so openly, even when she thought she was alone, and she had certainly never heard the deeply wounded qualities in the other woman's voice.

"Are you hurt?" Barbara shook her head, trying to calm herself, but only succeeded in hyperventilating. "Barbara, breathe, okay? Just, take it easy." The redhead managed a glare, as if to say 'duh', and Helena relaxed. If she could get the other woman to glare, then it couldn't be as dire as she first feared.

"Okay, now lets try this again. What happened?" Barbara didn't answer at first, instead wiping her eyes with the back of one hand, fighting the hiccups that racked her slender frame.

"I don't know what to do." she sniffled, looking at Helena with wide, almost pleading eyes. That statement and look scared the brunette more then the crying.

"About what?" she asked, though she had a pretty good idea what this was about suddenly. It gave her a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"Dinah." the redhead admitted, after a short pause. "I just don't know what to do."

Helena thought for a minute. "Where is Dinah, anyway? Shouldn't she be home by now?" Indeed, it was well past six. Barbara grimaced at her question.

"I don't know. I think I saw her talking with Gabby earlier today, but I… couldn't face her," she admitted, ashamed.

"Oh, hey! I don't blame you, this is definitely a weird situation." Helena mentally rolled her eyes. 'Understatement of the year!' She bent down, putting one hand on her friend's knee, and the other on her cheek, drawing jade eyes to her own azure ones. "This will all work out, I promise. Okay?" She got no answer. Tightening the hold on the other woman's face, she forced the unsure eyes to focus. "I said, okay?"

Finally, Barbara nodded, and Helena relaxed her grip. "Good. That being said, I think that Oracle should take the night off."

"But-"

"Ah, ah, ah! Just do this, for me? I'll go find the kid, make sure she's okay, then do a general sweep or two." The other woman looked doubtful. "Just this once, okay? I'll send Dinah home, and we'll talk, okay?"

"Okay." Barbara replied weakly, gazing at her hands.

For a moment, Helena rather enjoyed having such a submissive Barbara. She was usually so damn stubborn, it made Helena want to bang her head against a wall; of course, the same could be said about herself. The feeling quickly passed however, as the reality of why her friend was so meek stabbed her in the brain, and she stifled a groan. Things could never, ever be simple and easy, could they? 'No, they can't...damnit.'

TBC


	4. Chapter Four

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Repeating Memory

Chapter Four

It had taken nearly a month, but after so many hours of laboriously sitting at her computer, both hacking and banging her head into the monitor, Barbara had managed to locate Carolyn's current residence. Barbara wasn't sure whether it should have been easier or harder, but, she really didn't care. All that mattered was that she had found her, and she intended to, if not win her as a lover, then at least convince her that they could still be friends. She had missed the older woman in the four weeks since she had seen her, and she was damned if she would have to go through a longer period of separation.

It was easier said then done. It was nearly a week after she had gotten the information that the redhead had built up the courage to approach the area of her friend's apartment, and another day to actually go. What if she was rejected? What if Carolyn said she never wanted to see her again? She wasn't a stalker, she would go if that was what the other woman truly wanted. But, she wasn't sure if she could survive that.

She went during the day, dressed in semi-casual clothes. 'I look nice, but not overly nice. Don't want to come on too strong too fast.' By the time she was at the building, she was almost hyperventilating.

Just as she raised her hand to ring the buzzer, the front door opened, startling her. An elderly woman stepped out and peered up at her. She smiled nervously and nodded a greeting. "Who are you here for dear?" the woman asked, returning her smile.

"Um, Carolyn Lance." she was trying her hardest not to collapse. She had to get herself under control.

"Oh, that nice young woman. She should be upstairs now. I'm Mrs. Conner, the landlady. You a friend of hers?"

"Oh… yes! We work together, and, I was just in the neighborhood…" she trailed off, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath. She sounded a little desperate to herself and she didn't want to make this woman suspicious.

"Well, why don't you go up and see her. The bell is broken; I was just going to the corner to get my husband some wire cutters so he could fix it. You got lucky, Miss…err, what did you say your name was?"

"Barbara, Barbara Gordon."

"Well, Miss Gordon, why don't you just go on ahead. Don't let this old woman keep you, I'm sure you've got important business." And with that, Mrs. Conner was gone.

Shaking her head, as if to clear it, Barbara walked up the stairs. As she neared her destination, the fourth floor, she began to slow down, doubts swirling around her head, whispering in her ears. 'This was a mistake, I shouldn't have come here.' She turned to walk back down the stairs, but then stopped. 'If I don't do this, I'll never know. And, that is definitely worse then getting rejected. I have a chance.'

She lifted a shaky hand to the door, taking a deep breath to steady herself. 'I'll do it this time,' she assured herself, but dropped her hand again. She had been standing in front of apartment 4B for five minutes; each time she raised her hand to knock, her insides turned to water, and she lost her nerve. This was a lot harder then she had anticipated.

Her hand went up again, but, the door was open before she could psyche herself out again. She was confused for a moment, as she stared at empty air, but then a sound below her line of vision caught her attention. Looking down, she was greeted by impossibly large blue eyes.

"Hello." Barbara said, bending down so she was eye level with who could only be Carolyn's daughter. The resemblance was uncanny, and even though she hadn't known that her friend was a mother, there was no doubt in her mind that this was the other woman's child.

The little girl smiled at her, an innocent, happy smile. "Hiya. My name's Dinah, I'm three. Who're you?"

"I'm Barbara, I'm a friend of your mother's." Barbara replied, trying to decide whether to come back later, or ask to be let in. She seriously needed to rethink this situation. While finding out that Carolyn had a child didn't change her feelings, or even her desire for a relationship, she now had to consider what this little girl would think about her. She suddenly wished she had called first.

"Oh, I thought so. My mommy talks about ya a lot. She's right, you do have really pretty hair. I never saw that color before." Barbara blushed and cleared her throat.

"Is your mother home?" she asked, deciding to forge ahead.

"Nah uh. She went out for milk and cookies… well, she didn't say cookies, but I hope she gets um. My favorite are the ones with chocolate pieces inside. Not the chips, but the chunks, ya know? What are your favorite kind? I bet it's Oreo's-"

"Um, Dinah?" Barbara interrupted, looking around uncomfortably. She really should have called.

"Hmm?"

"Please tell your mother that I'll call her later, okay?"

The little blonde looked disappointed, almost on the verge of tears. Barbara began to panic. She hadn't meant to upset the girl, she only wanted to leave before Carolyn found her there and got the wrong idea. She didn't want the other woman to think she was trying to force her way in, and certainly didn't want her to think that her child was in danger. Carolyn was a frightening woman normally, and Barbara would hate to see her if she thought her child was being threatened in some way.

"Don't go. Don't ya like me?" the question was followed by a sniffle and a small fist rubbing a teary eye.

"Of course I do sweetie, I just… don't want your mom to get mad at me being here, that's all." she reassured, patting the child on the head softly. The storm dissipated almost instantly, and Dinah was smiling again.

"She won't be mad, I promise. She likes you lots, she told me so. She's sad now, I think she misses you. Where did you go?" Blue eyes lit up, as if the girl was struck with a brilliant plan. "She'll be real happy to see you! Ya have to stay! Please!"

"But, she, I-" Dinah's lower lip began to quiver. "You know, asking strangers into your house isn't safe." It was a last ditch effort. She got a smile for that.

"You're not a stranger! You're Barbara!" And with that, she was lead inside, the door closing behind her with a resounding 'click'.

When Carolyn entered her apartment, the first thing she noticed was that the door was unlocked. She distinctly remembered locking it, and that immediately made her both cautious and frightened. She had left Dinah alone. Only for ten minutes, true, but alone none the less.

The second thing that Carolyn became aware of, on the heels of her first observation, was that her daughter was crying. It overrode any logic and sent her speeding into the small two bedroom apartment. The sight that greeted her made her stop, half in shock and half in bemusement.

On her couch sat Barbara Gordon, Dinah's small form in her arms; the older girl looked ready to flee, or join the child in her waterworks. The redhead looked up, first appearing scared, then desperate, begging Carolyn to intercede with her eyes. Sure her daughter was unhurt, the older woman crossed her hands over her chest and leaned against the door, watching her friend go from desperate to downright pathetic. She really did look as if she was about to cry.

With a sigh, Carolyn pushed off the doorjamb and into the room. "What's wrong baby?" she asked, coming to stand behind her weeping child. Dinah immediately disengaged from Barbara and rushed into her mother's arms. She pointed to the small fishbowl on the coffee table. On the surface of the water, which was covered in a thick film, floated the body of a once beloved pet. Carolyn groaned. "Sweetie, I told you not to overfeed her. What happened?" Tearfully, Dinah explained.

Barbara watched in amazement as Dinah happily munched away at a plateful of chocolate chunk cookies. "What did you say to her?" the redhead asked, still in awe. The three year old had been bawling not five minutes before, and now she sat, humming a tune and enjoying desert before lunch.

"I told her that Goldie is in a better place now, and that she could have another fish if she wanted. And, that she could have the cookies before her sandwich. Seems to have worked well, don't you think?" The younger woman could only nod. Carolyn stood beside her, and they were silent for long moments.

"Can I talk to you in the other room please?" Carolyn ask suddenly, startling Barbara out of her thoughts.

"Um, sure," she replied, suddenly very nervous. This was what she had come here for, a chance to talk with the blonde, but, now she wasn't so sure that this was a good idea.

"Good." And with that, the older woman turned and led the way.

Turning as soon as the door was closed behind her, Carolyn glared. "What are you doing here, Barbara?" she asked, barely resisting the urge to grab the younger woman by the shoulders and give her a good shaking. Didn't she realize how dangerous the situation was?

"I-"

"I'll tell you what you're doing here, you're trying to get us all killed, that's what you're doing!" She interrupted, backing the other woman to the couch. The redhead looked startled.

"What do you mean, trying to get you killed? I came by to see you!" The blonde snorted, hands curling into fists.

"My door was unlocked! Do you know how dangerous that is!?" Barbara looked at her as if she had grown another head.

"Okay, granted that wasn't the most intelligent move, but, this neighborhood isn't that bad. And if anything came up, I'm pretty sure I could handle it. I am Batgirl, you know!" the last was almost angry. How dare she think otherwise!

With a disgusted grunt, Carolyn moved away, turning her back. "Another reason why you shouldn't be here. Red hair of that shade isn't that common here Barbara; sooner or later, someone is going to figure it out. What if that time was now, and you were followed. You put my daughter in danger for no reason."

"No, not for no reason, though if I would have known about her," it was said accusingly, and the blonde twitched, "I would have been more careful. But, that's not the point here." Carolyn whirled, eyes blazing.

"Oh yes it is! My child's life was-"

"Just shut the hell up!" Barbara shouted.

They stared at each other for long moments, both equally surprised at the younger woman's outburst. It was so unlike Barbara to lose her cool, especially with Carolyn, and it left them both speechless. Turning there eyes to the door, they both waited, holding their breath, hoping that Dinah hadn't heard. When she didn't come into the room after a minute, they both breathed a sigh of relief.

"Listen to me Carolyn, you owe me that, at least." Barbara said quietly, drawing back her friend's attention.

"I don't owe you anything." the blonde growled, narrowing her eyes.

"God damn it, yes you do! When have I been anything but honest with you? Huh? How many times have I covered your back? How many times have I held you, _held you_, when you cried? The least you can do is listen to me now!" The older woman opened her mouth to protest, but she was quickly cut off. "I know that those things are a given, and I would do them again, but you at least owe me five minutes." she sounded desperate, at the point of tears. Reluctantly, Carolyn closed her mouth and nodded, moving to sit on the other end of the couch.

"I love you, more than-no, no, no!" the redhead held up a hand to stall protests. "Let me finish please, it's hard enough to get this out without interruptions." The other woman sat back with a nod, almost pouting.

'She's so beautiful,' Barbara though, gathering up her courage again. And indeed it was true, the other woman was stunning. All smooth, pale skin and corn silk blonde hair, it was a wonder that Barbara hadn't just jumped her the moment she had sat down. 'No! I'm going to do this right this time, no more listening to impulses. I'll have to make her see.' She took a deep breath, and began again.

"Carolyn, I love you. I have since…" she paused, suddenly realizing that the truth sounded a bit silly. "Well, for a long time." She mentally rolled her eyes. 'Smooth,' her inner voice mocked, and she resisted the urge to smack her forehead. "We've been working together almost since I… since I took up the cowl, and during that time we've, I think, grown close. I'm closer to you than I have been with anyone else in my life, and I know that you feel it too."

She looked over at her hopefully soon-to-be lover, and her well rehearsed words flew out the window. The older woman was regarding her with a guarded gaze, totally closing herself to the confession. But, she also seemed sad, and scared, as if what Barbara was saying had the power to crush her world. 'God, I did that. I made her afraid… I made her… feel…' And suddenly, Barbara wished she hadn't said anything at all. All that tension, all that pain, she was the cause.

"Oh God Carolyn!" she cried, lunging forward and burying her head in the other woman's chest. "I've loved you since I first saw you, sitting on that gargoyle on Wayne Tower! I've wanted to be like you since then, and I've wanted to be with you since the first moment I heard your voice. You never made me feel useless or stupid, and even when I screwed up, you were there for me! I love you, and I haven't seen you in forever, and I wish that I hadn't said anything, or kissed you, because now I'll never get that look on your face from my head. I love you, and I thought you loved me, but, you hate me, don't you?!" And with that, she began to cry.

The door to the kitchen opened, and Dinah stood quietly in the doorway, unsure of what to do. She knew that Barbara was sad, and that it was because her mommy said something maybe not so nice, but, because her mommy was the best ever, it must have been for the older girl's own good. Like that time when she had tried to see if she could fly off the couch. Now she knew that it would have hurt, but at the time, she cried because she really wanted to, and because her mommy was upset.

After a long moment, the three year old set her jaw and nodded to herself. It must be for Barbara's own good. The redhead whimpered, and the sound made Dinah's lower lip tremble. Maybe it didn't matter; her mommy always tried to make her feel better, even when she was wrong. With that thought in mind, she ran to the couch and attached herself to Barbara's neck.

The older girl seemed startled for a moment, trying to move away quickly to regain her composure. "It's okay, you can cry. It makes me feel better." Dinah assured, hugging tighter. "Mommy says it's okay to cry."

"That-that's nice, Dinah. B-but, really, I'm fine." Barbara stammered, voice thick with tears. It was very obvious to Dinah that she was not 'fine'. The little girl looked at her mother.

"I think she needs cookies mommy. Should I get some?" Her mother regarded her with an odd expression for long moments, before nodding her head.

"Take your time, we have to finish talking." Dinah nodded back almost sagely, before releasing her new found friend and scurrying back to the kitchen to wait for her mother's signal.

Carolyn was quiet as the younger woman collected herself, waiting until she could take a breath without shuddering, to speak. Though, truthfully, she needed to collect herself as well. It wasn't everyday that your partner in crime fighting breaks down in your arms, confessing their love for you. When she later considered it, the pause was more for herself then Barbara.

"There are so many reasons why I left you that night; why I can't do what I know you want, no matter how I may feel. And, you have to know that I don't hate you… that I… feel for you. But, that doesn't matter." Barbara opened her mouth, and it was Carolyn's turn to stall protests. "No, you've had your shot. Now please, let me." After a few seconds, the younger woman nodded and looked down at her hands. The blonde reached over and gently lifted the other woman's chin. "Our line of work is dangerous Barbara, very dangerous." Barbara nodded rapidly, and opened her mouth, but Carolyn shook her head. "I know what you're going to say, but please, let me finish."

"Barbara, I have a daughter, a three year old little girl named Dinah, whom I love very much, and who depends totally on me. My position right now, working undercover within the Hawke Organization, provides her a certain amount of security, but that dangles on a thread. Hawke thinks that she's his, but, she's not. If he had any idea of the double cross that I am planning, he would not hesitate to kill her, and you, if I were to get involved with you."

"He wouldn't find out. Don't you think I know all about keeping secrets and being discrete?" the redhead broke in, roughly shaking Carolyn's hand from her face. "My father is the Commissioner of this City, for crying out loud! I've had to keep secrets. Not to mention that I've been working with you for a while now, and that I all about the Hawke operation. I haven't compromised it yet! Don't you trust me?" the last was said in a pained whisper, and it almost broke Carolyn's heart. Why couldn't the younger woman see that this was for the best?

"I trust you with my life, but anything beyond friendship just isn't in the cards right now. I've got too much to deal with; relationships take a lot of time, and effort, and energy, and I just can't right now." the blonde reasoned, almost pleading with her friend. But, Barbara was becoming angry.

"Just because your last relationship didn't work out isn't a reason to shoot this one down before it takes off. I love you damn it! And don't think for a second that I'm not as scared as you are, because I'm even more so! But, that's what makes this so great! I am willing to meet you halfway, if you would just stop being so bullheaded!" By the end of her tirade, the younger woman was panting. Reining in her own ire, Carolyn tried another approach.

"How old are you Barbara?" she asked, catching the irate redhead off guard.

"Nineteen…" the answer was unsure.

"And, how old am I?"

"Tw-twenty four…" Carolyn nodded.

"And, how old is Dinah?"

"Three… why?"

"Barbara, you aren't even old enough to drink yet. There are five years and a child between us." Now, Barbara understood. Or, at least she thought she did.

"It's my AGE?" she shouted, indignantly. "Are you INSANE? I've grown up more in the my nineteen years than most people twice my age! Don't you dare pull that SHIT with me!" The older woman winced at the profanity.

"You had to grow up fast, more so in the last few years, since you became Batgirl, than anyone should. Do you really wish that on my daughter?" That gave the younger woman pause.

"But, you're THE Black Canary. How is that any different, when it comes to Dinah?" she asked, back to being unsure. Carolyn sighed wearily.

"I've seen things that I wish I hadn't, things that even you haven't seen. I've witnessed some truly ugly things in my life, and I'm tired. After this mess with Hawke, I'm taking a long, possibly permanent break from the Life."

The younger woman looked scandalized, almost horrified. Carolyn forged on. "But, I know you Barbara. I know that this means more to you than anything before. The power and the freedom. I used to feel that way. When I'm with you, I still feel that way; carefree and careless. But, I can't, not anymore. I have a little girl to think about, and my feelings for you and my love and duty to her do not mix. As long as you are in the Life, I can't be with you, but I would never ask you to give it up. You've told me yourself how much it means to you. Maybe, in a few years, when you're tired of it, I would consider it, but, even then, Dinah comes first."

Barbara looked at Carolyn for long moments, mouth moving but no sound coming out. Her eyes were wide, as if they were straining to escape her sockets, and she gasped for breath. To be with Carolyn, to have a chance, she'd have to give up… "Wha…what if I did give it up… what if, after your business with Hawke, I promised to give it all up…" Now it was Carolyn's turn to look scandalized.

"Would you… could you?"

"I-" Dinah chose that moment to rejoin them in the living room.

Helena sat on the fire escape, looking into the dirty window with sullen, narrowed eyes. She had been sitting out there for almost an hour, watching as the people inside went about their business. Helena had known where Dinah's friend lived from months before, when she had gotten curious about where her adopted sister spent her actual free time.

She knew that she shouldn't be sitting outside in the dark, watching like some sort of stalker, but, she just couldn't make herself go inside. She still wasn't sure how she felt about the situation, and until she did… Oh hell, she knew exactly how she felt about the situation! She was angry!

There were so many reasons why she was upset that Helena knew if she confronted Dinah now, she would end up either shaking the girl, or just throwing her from the nearest roof top. The blonde had managed in the short time she had been a part of their lives, to turn their world upside down.

For the most part, Helena could admit to herself, if no one else, that she was being a spoiled brat. She had gotten used to the way things were, and as such, was very grumpy when everything had changed. In her better moments, the brunette could even admit that having Dinah around wasn't all bad. But, the blonde had moved in onto territory that Helena was very protective of.

Helena had been in love with Barbara since she had first seen her, so long ago that she couldn't actually remember not being in love with her. In the months before Dinah had come, she had actually been making progress with the redhead. But, the arrival of the teenager had put any passion on ice. At first, Helena thought it was because Barbara was trying to spare her new ward, who was so damn sensitive. But, now it was something else.

Helena had seen what was happening, she wasn't as oblivious and caught up in herself as people, including Barbara and Dinah, seemed to think. Or, maybe they didn't think that, and she was only adding that to the reasons she had to justify how irritable she had been lately. But, that really wasn't the point. No, the point was that Helena had seen the looks that her partners shot in each other's direction, when they thought no one was looking. It made her green with envy; she had longed to have Barbara look at her like that for so fucking long.

It had started with Dinah, not long after she had moved in. There had been sighing, and staring into space, and all the things that accompanied the mooning of a sixteen year old in… whatever it was that Dinah was in. But then, suddenly, as if she had been hit by Cupid's arrow, Barbara had began doing it too.

But, what was even more disturbing about it was that instead of exhibiting the usual signs of Barbara in love--or even Barbara in lust-- the redhead had acted exactly like her young charge. The pheromones wafting around from the both of them almost put Helena in the hospital. As it was, there were more the a dozen men and women alike in New Gotham whom were still wondering who the tall, dark, and beautiful woman was, and where they could find her again, for another night of wild, almost crazed sex.

Helena sighed, blinking and scrubbing her face roughly with the heel of her hand. Great, she was jealous of a teenager, and her obviously returned love. And, she was an even bigger slut then normal. 'Justifiable homicide,' her mind whispered, tempting her as she watched the object of her envy, laughing at something her friend had said.

It seemed to her almost as if whatever Dinah was feeling was somehow rubbing off on Barbara. It was almost supernatural. "What a minute!" she exclaimed, sitting up suddenly, almost toppling off of the fire escape. 'Maybe she IS rubbing off on Barbara.' She glared, trying to figure out if it was even possible. "That little bitch!"

Tapping her comm set on, Helena interrupted Barbara before she could speak. "I think I know what's going on!" There was a long pause, before the other woman responded, clearly confused.

"Um, okay, that's good. Because, I have no idea what you're talking about." Helena blew out an exasperated breath, ruffling her bangs.

"With you and Dinah." She clarified. She could almost see the cringe on Barbara's face, so, she forged on. "What if she was making you feel the way she feels somehow? Is that possible, I mean, is there any way, with all her other powers, she could do that?"

Silence stretched, almost painful, as Barbara considered the option. "It certainly is a possibility, considering her other powers. But Helena, she wouldn't do that." the redhead replied, not even bothering to deny it. It figured Helena would have noticed, even though they hadn't really discussed it. Her future seemed to be made up of headaches.

"Maybe she's not doing it on purpose," Helena offered, making a sour face. She so wanted to pound the other girl for it, but if she wasn't doing it on purpose, it was no longer justifiable. 'That has never stopped you.'

"Maybe, but, I can't be sure unless I run some tests…"

"Say no more! We'll be right home." The brunette sounded almost wicked, and barely held back a cackle; she knew how much Dinah hated tests.

"Helena," Barbara's voice held a note of warning. "If it does turn out to be true, Dinah will be mortified. Think about how painful and embarrassing this situation could be for her, and please don't tease her."

'Damn, there's that guilt.' Helena thought. "You like to take the fun out of everything, don't you," she grumbled, but agreed none the less.

"Thank you," the redhead replied, and she signed off.

Dinah stood next just inside the doorway of the Lab, observing Barbara quietly as the woman puttered about near the computer. After a moment, she stepped fully into the room. "I guess we'd better get started," she said, moving swiftly over to her most hated enemy, the Neural Pattern Monitor. She had dubbed the infernal machine the 'Migraine Inducing Device', and she hated it with a passion. She ended up in that thing way too often, in her opinion. But, if what Helena suggested was true…

"There's no need for that Dinah. I think we should have a talk." Barbara said, stopping her decent into the chair. The blonde just looked at her for a moment, before frowning.

"I know we have to talk, but, the tests. Helena said-"

"Helena has no idea what she's talking about," the redhead interrupted harshly, and Dinah flinched, unused to being snapped at like that. Seeing this, Barbara softened her voice and expression. "That's not entirely fair, and her hypothesis was sound, given the information that she has. But Dinah, believe me when I tell you that you are in no way influencing my feelings for you."

Dinah now was confused. Helena had dragged her out of her sanctuary and tossed her into the last place she wanted to be, the Lab, with the last person that she could deal with right now, Barbara, and now they weren't even going to do tests, which she hated, but was totally prepared to endure. She did not want to talk, she wanted to fling the brunette into the nearest wall.

Things began to clatter around them. "Dinah, please calm down and let me explain." Barbara said, moving over to the fuming teenager. She reached out to take the blonde's hand in her own, but her ward jerked away before contact was made.

"Not a good idea right now." the girl ground out, trying very hard not to send anything flying. "She lied to me." it wasn't really a question.

"She didn't lie Dinah, she just didn't know any better. You don't have that level of power."

"How-how do you know?" Dinah asked, not quite ready to give up her anger yet. Barbara gave her an incredulous look. "Okay, so you're Oracle, the All Knowing. But…"

"I've been keeping tabs on your developing powers, since your telekinesis presented itself. I didn't want to be surprised again. And besides, I like keeping an eye on your development." It took the redheaded woman a moment to realize how that sounded. "I mean, in a totally professional manner. You.. I… um, okay, not working." The teenager smiled at her mentor's stuttering.

"I understand," Dinah paused, frowning a bit again. "I think."

Barbara sighed, scrubbing a hand over her face tiredly. She really, really wished that she had never suggested a night in. When this was over, she was never taking Helena's advice about relaxation again. Who says that binary code was stressful, anyway? It was certainly more relaxing than this!

"Here's the bottom line Dinah." She made sure that she had the teenager's complete attention before continuing. "What I feel for you, and I won't go into any details, as that would only serve to confuse you, is real. As real as what you feel for me. Maybe a bit different, but, all together real. The only thing that you have been influencing here are my hormones." she paused, blushing a little bit, but started up quickly when she saw Dinah begin to look mortified. "What I mean is, that you have been, subconsciously, influencing the way I react to my feelings."

Oh yeah, Dinah was mortified. "So, what Helena said was true! Barbara, I am so sorry!" Tears filled blue eyes, and Barbara wanted to slap herself. This was not going to plan. She dared to take the girl's hand.

"No, Dinah! Look, you haven't made me feel anything that wasn't already there, just made me a little bit more amorous. Sort of taking what is already there and then cranking the hormone levels to teenager. If you apologize to anyone, apologize to Helena."

That caught the girl off guard. "What? Apologize to Helena? Why?" she frowned. "Um… she started it?" Barbara laughed, and the sound immediately put Dinah at ease. 'She really should laugh more often; she's so beautiful.' She blushed at her thoughts, and felt through the physical connection, that Barbara picked up a bit on where her thoughts had wanted to go. The redhead let go of her hand, but didn't move away.

"Dinah, do you have any idea how hard it's been for Helena around here lately? God, between the pheromones and what I'm sure she views as useless and annoying pining, she's been climbing the walls." This time they shared a laugh. "Honestly, I'm surprised that she hasn't come back with something terminal… like a stalker, or a child."

Dinah couldn't keep it down anymore. She fell off of the chair, holding her sides as she imagined Helena with a swollen belly, creepy man stealing her panties and leaving her dead fish in flower boxes. It was all too much. Tears leaked out from behind closed eyelids, and she was hard pressed to breathe.

"Oh God, that was funny!" Dinah said, trying to stop the hiccups that tightened her chest.

"I haven't laughed like that in a while." Barbara agreed, wiping moister from her own eyes. She sobered quickly, however. "Dinah, now that you know that my feelings are… real, you also have to understand-"

"I know Barbara, believe me, I know." the girl interrupted sadly, sighing and taking the older woman's hand. "And it sucks. But I totally understand why it's necessary, in our case, and in others. And, I understand why you couldn't even if it wasn't illegal. Doesn't mean I have to like it though." she paused, giving the hand in hers a squeeze, and Barbara suddenly had to fight back tears of another kind. Dinah truly was growing up. "It doesn't change how I feel, but, it does change the situation a bit. But, I know we can do it." And with that, she leaned forward, kissing the stunned woman sweetly on the lips, for the last time. They both cried.


	5. Chapter Five

_**Disclaimer: **They aren't mine, and really, crazy glue will fix those breaks right up…_

_**Character/Pairing:** Barbara/Carolyn, Barbara/Dinah_

**Repeating Memory**

**Chapter Five**

Warmth; her whole world consisted of nothing but the intense warmth that originated from the center of her belly. It radiated outward in a random, but meticulous pattern, covering her entire body and bursting into the space around her. All she could do was run her fingers through the thick red hair of her lover and moan. In that moment, the world could have ended, and, she wouldn't have cared.

Later, and she lay, Barbara's head cradled in the crook of her arm, she knew; this could not be allowed to happened again. There was too much at stake, and, in the end, she admitted to herself that she was too afraid. Afraid of getting hurt and afraid of hurting Barbara anymore then this ending would. She knew that she could never make the girl happy, and she couldn't bring herself to indulge and try. It wasn't fair to Barbara, and it wasn't fair to Dinah to have her attention so divided…

That's what she would tell herself, over and over, as she stood stone faced but breaking on the inside, as her ex-lover and Partner in Crime Fighting wept and begged and asked what she had done to displease her. She told herself it was for the greater good as she swept the redhead into a final kiss, than rushed away, wiping an errant tear from her cheek at the horrible pain that lanced through her chest. She would be leaving Gotham the next day, taking Dinah with her. She tried desperately to block out the heart-wrenching sobs out, but, they would haunt her dreams until the day she died.

She was there again, the redhead with the fake ID, just as she had been for the last three weeks. Each night, she would come in around midnight, and she wouldn't leave until closing, drinking heavily her whole stay. He had sent her away the first four nights, but, she had kept coming, and finally he had relented. The bone deep pain he felt from her made her sympathetic, and not a little curious.

"So, what's your story?" He asked again, sliding another Rum and Coke her way. She sighed, quite used to his questions by now. "Look, I've left you alone till now, but it might help to talk. Besides, if you don't tell me, I'm gonna have to toss ya… we both know your ID is bull." He grumbled, knowing he had gotten to her. He felt her resistance weaken, then disappear; anything to keep the booze coming, he knew.

"I just wanna forget her," the girl murmured, and he could feel it was all she could do not to burst into tears. He nodded and made clicking noises in his throat; he should have known it was a woman, because only women could cause so much pain in another creature.

"Broken heart, eh?" he asked, redundantly. He felt a pang of empathetic pain; he knew exactly what that was like. "How bad do you wanna forget?" he asked, mind suddenly coming up with a solution. The girl looked intrigued, if increasingly sad.

"More then anything and not at all."

"How about this, Sweet Pea; how would you like to forget until your old enough to truly handle it?" He offered, knowing she would want to know more.

"Hey, I'm old enough!" she growled, than blinked as she became a bit dizzy; too much alcohol and not enough food. "Besides, I can't; I've got Eeedet-Eydt- I've got a photographic memory." She slurred, and he grinned at her.

"I'll tell you a secret Sweet Pea; I'm a Meta. Not something you're bound to know about, but, let's just say I have special powers. I can make you forget the pain… for a while, anyway. All it'll cost you is this: ya gotta promise you'll help _her_, when she comes to you."

The girl stared at him for long moments, dumbfounded and confused, before shaking her head and blurting out the first thing that came to mind. "Her _who_?"

"Blue eyes, corn silk angel hair, and the most innocent smile you've seen. Don't hurt her, let her down say, and I'll help you." He replied, deadly serious. She only nodded, hiccupping.

He brushed his hands over her sweat soaked temple, and he felt her fear at the clouding of her mind. "When will I remember?" she asked, voice pinched, and he smiled kindly at her.

"When something harsh reminds you of it; probably when he's laughing and there's numbness, or when those cat eyes look at you with love." He replied, cupping her face. Her mouth became a wide O and she gasped.

"Can you see the future?" she asked fearfully. He nodded, touching her forehead gently with his fingertips; her vision blurred and she felt a coolness spread over her mind.

"Only when I look into your eyes."

_**FINIS**_

_**AN2:** Yeah, I know… cheap ending… but, I didn't think it really needed one. I mean, this is just a wrap up for the past (one final shot at stabbing Barbara in the heart… man, I'm cruel). So, that's it…_


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